My Social Phobia

I am not a good writer and I wont fool myself that I can ever be one. I used to be so quick once upon a time in making stories. You wouldn’t call them stories, they were basically lightning fast pj’s, cracked one after the other. Well I have totally lost the touch, the form as you would say in cricket, I am out of form.

I have found out two weeks ago that I have a phobia, it’s a relatively lesser know phobia, or anxiety. A psychologist called it – Social Phobia.

He has given a perfect description of the phobia and it totally defines what I feel every minute, every day of my life.

Imagine this, there is a person you want to meet, and you get a fantastic chance to meet the person, the person wants to meet you, but your inner fears just overwhelm you into avoiding the meeting. I mean just imagine the frustration. You miss the experience, the romance, the wonderful feeling that you would have got on meeting the person, the potential friendship, the lovely moments which you would treasure all your life. You don’t experience any of them because of your phobia. You cannot go to parties, even if you go you hide in a corner of a room, preferably near the food stall, instead of being the center of attraction, which you wish to be. You know you can do it, its all so easy, but this fear inside you just cripples all your dreams.

Now a lay man may think that practice would make it go away, but my friends its not so, not at all so. I used to speak in public when I was in the 8th, 9th and 10th….. but the fear never ever went….. my knees shook always.

If I were to break down my fears it would all amount to this…. Fear of appearing stupid. Its basically insecurity. That’s all. I have an irrational notion that people are always looking and judging me, I know its not true, but I just cannot help getting that feeling…. I wonder if the words coming out of my mouth are understandable, is my voice weak, am I appearing funny, Its horrible. It an horrible phobia to have where your mind is bombarded with irrational thought every minute, every hour, every day of your life.

Well I was diagnosed with High blood pressure at the age of 21. This was when I got my first job and had to take doctor’s health certificate in order to join the company. I was shocked, my parents were shocked, and every one was shocked. I had to undergo a battery of test to find out the cause, but… nothing. The cause was a mystery, until now!!! I now know that my high BP is due to social phobia.

Now the basic question is how to fight this phobia. How to combat this fear? I haven’t found any way to do this so far, I just wish I can

(to be continued another time)