No topic – 03.05.2009

Weird thing happened yesterday. I was having a spat with one of my friends over smoking. I had basically given up smoking on the 27th of Feb. But to tell you the truth I used to smoke one every Thursday night, then it became one on Thursday and one on Friday…. Then it finally entered the one a night stage, then 2 -3 per day,

I was beginning to lose my fight over the cigarette; actually I had already lost and was going deeper and deeper in the black hole. But I really really wanted to quit. SO what do I do? I confessed this to my friend and promised to give up the next day after smoking on the present day.

Now my friend was angry/ disappointed on hearing this, the person suggested, no, ordered me to stop smoking there and then and not the next day. But since I know my own mind I tried to argue that I should smoke on that day and give up the next day and that would make me easier to leave cigarettes. Both of us argued, no one relented and the person, whom I really adore was not being too communicative, like silently saying that I wont talk to you unless you quit right now. In the silence I felt a different emotion; I got a feeling like I was being looked at with condescension, with disapproval, like ….. “you have betrayed my trust” kind of feeling.

I tried to ask for forgiveness for an hour but the person did not relent. Then I abruptly logged out and have not spoken to the person since.

That was yesterday.

I haven’t smoked today..

But I am avoiding this person. I don’t know why. I feel…… stupid and ridiculous. I don’t really understand why….. but I feel this great need to avoid this person, who has been my best friend for the last 3 months. I feel like I have lost my respect, lost my self esteem, what little I had left of anyways.

I think my social anxiety is on over drive.

I think I will just wait and watch till this feeling passes over. If it doesn’t I would really lose someone I adore. If it does and our spat is resolved, our friendship would continue.

But whenever I see a cigarette in my life I will think of her, because the cigarette brought out my social phobia in between our friendship.

I just hope I never ever smoke a cigarette in my life again.