Rambing in the Brainz

I like typing nonsense in my blog, without bothering to edit. Why edit my thoughts? Do you? Do you dream of something and then say, No! That doesnt sound right, let me change it a little bit. Do you? No!

SO here I lie front of my pc, after spending what seems like years wasting my life wasted to no particular result. I decide, hmmm, lets keep typing fast see what my mind sputs. WIll it be gibberish, unrelated bullshit or will there be a train of thought which would make sense to anyone? I would really love to know.

This is a personal experiment to see how long I can think upon a subject without changing track or without moving a long on a tangent.

This is a blog read by no one. No one knows it exists, no one will ever know it exist, even then some randome dude, most probably some kinda software bot found this blog and posted a random comment one of my posts, I founf it quite wierd! How did it find me? My thought wander to Neo! Is Morpheus stalking me? Lol! I wish! That life sounds a hell of a lot adventurous than what my life currently is. Hmmm, where was I? Ya the random dude that landed on my blog.

I posted something about social phobia that I am going through and he replied suggesting a website I could visit. I never bothered to. In the beginning of this year I finally decided to visit a psychiatrist about it. The social Phobia! Turns out the psychologist did know what Social Phobia (SP) is...The trick he said was to find out exactly why I was feeling the way i was feeling. Breaking my fear down to emotions and words. Trying to find out the thought process that runs behind each and every emotion and though that comes to my mind when I face a social situation.

Say! I am sitting in an auditorium. Minding my own business watching a speaker speak. You know! Give a lecture on something! AT a point in time he decides to pick up random spectator and ask them questions or ask them to speak about something. Whatever! AT that  point when he decided to call up a spectator, I start getting scared... nerves tingling, heart beating wildly.. flight or fight response kicking in.. and all that.

I decide to analyse what I am thinking... more properly.. what am I fearing...

1. I am afraid he will call me out and ask to to speak.
Now is this rational?. There are say... 100 people in the crowd. What makes me so sure he will pick me out? There is a 1% chance of me getting picked.. Is it  a rational fear?

2. He will ask me to speak and I will make a fool out of myself.
What makes me think I would make a fool of myself. How many times in my life have I made a fool of myself when I was asked to speak publicly. WHy did that happen? Do I stammer? No. Do I speak English well, yea of couse, then what am I afraid of?
Well! WHat if he asks me something I dont know. WOnt I be looking stupid and embarassing myself? But why would I? AL I need to say is sorry I dont know and sit down.How would I be making a fool out of myself? WIll the speaker publicly humiliate me for not knowing what he wants to know? I dont think so. Then what am I afraid of? Ok.. Even if ..lets say... he ask me something and I do know the answer to the question. But somehow mind is not able to convert the answer into words.. or the words donot come out of my mouth the way i want it to .. But so what? Everyone goes through this one time or the other. WIll everyone remember the incident and laugh at me forever?

Man.. I am paranoid arent I?

The point to my fear is basically I imagine too much and unfortunately its all negative. SOme incident in my fast (which I totally dont remember) has caused me to be critical of myself and some kind of a perfectionist demon. Ya anything I say or type or write has to be perfect or I would not release it to the ether. I need to be dressed perfectly or I wont go out. My tummy is jutting out so I feel uncomfortanle to be around people.. WHats up with that?

I need to lighten up. Need not to push myself so bad that I cannot face people or situations. Its all very easy to say but yeah I need to try. I was scared of driving. Follwoed instructions to the tee, got irritated when others jumped signals whatever.. I used to terrified of overtaking,... driving at night, driving in narrow roads, paranoid of hitting someone... but with practise all of that totally disappeared... I am as cool as a cucumber now behind wheels.

So why cant I take this driving example and correct all my other fears? Practise.. practise... fucking practise...dull the fear...kill the fear till it no longer surfaces.

Hmm..the blog post has spiralled. I seem to have moved on a tangent. I started out with a random blog posted and ended up finding solutions for my phobia. Interesting.. Lets see what happens at my next attempt of non-stop-typing-without-stopping-to-think. WIll come up with a better phrase later....

Boo!