Today I spent plenty of time at Imti and Arun’s dugout, I was away from the office from 9 to 3.40, which certainly must be a new world record. My need to communicate with adorable has reduced considerably. I still miss Red though and I wonder how she is.
Well somehow I drilled it into the mind of the swiss incharge to speed up his job, somehow I was able to put my point and plan out to him without any verbal diarrhea from my side. It felt good, but I would only know tomorrow wethr my plan has succeeded or not.
Me n Imti are planning to go out to some good beach Thursday night. SO I plan to stay at Imti’s place on Wednesday evening so that we could go to Batuta’s and shop for some interesting things like swim shorts and some fashionable 3/4th’s. Lets c, we all very well know the penchant for my very well thought out plans to come to bull’s shit.
The damn ac is blowing cold wind directly to my face, no wonder I have a bad cold.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
05th May
Well! I predicted the toss correctly, but the results were exact opposites, Mumbai lost easily, Sachin flopped. And Kolkata lost the match in the last ball.
Well, my adorable hasn’t mailed/messaged me since the spat, neither hav I coz of social anxiety or ego… but more due to the anxiety. I feel sad about it, but as adorable said…. “all relationships have an expiry date”, I guess its time to move on.
I have no confidence in doing my job at all, I think the company would be better off kicking me out of this project. They could find someone more worthy of doing this job. I am totally wasting everyone’s time over here. Neither am I trying to learn anything, nor I am doing any work. I am just passing the days. I feel so guilty and humiliated… coz of the phobia of course. Wat am I ever gonna do in my life?
Shaadi se bhi dar laghta hai re, biwi kya sochegi, kaise choot ke dhakkan se shaadi kiya hai maine, I just wish I get a top class psychiatrist as a wife. But do dreams ever come true dost?
Anyways, I am waiting for Imti’s boss to stop his meeting so I can get his room key from him. I will have a look in Al Swiss’s painting shop n then I will go to the dug out. In the afternoon I will go to GPRS and check out the remaining structure and add it to my report.
Adorable is so young and so alive, I don’t think I can match her at any positive level. I feel really worthless. May be the spat was good for her so she could get rid of a good for nothing like me.
I only have this job coz of luck, other wise I wud easily be jobless at home in dreamy land.
**************************************************************************************************************
And I just cannot give up cigs, they don’t do anything for me, I wonder y I even smoke, but I am just tryin to justify a reason not to speak to adorable. I don’t want myself in her life, I am poison, and she is life. I am not going anywhere near her, may she have a great life.
I do feel like communicatin with her , then I think of the cigs and then I stop trying…. So basically it’s a circle…. I smoke so that I cant communicate with her, and I cant communicate with her coz I am smoking. I am really a confused idiot.
***************************************************************************************************************
I am wondering… shall I impose my self on the Swiss and make them speed up the job, or should I as usual just… let it be. I need these guys to pick up speed so that I can relax and my job out here lasts longer, but… I don’t know…. The phobia is preventing me from doing anything….
Will someone please change my brain software and delete the malicious virus called social phobia from my mind? I cannot live like this.
I am 29, I have survived till here, I should be happy that I am alive, but I aint.
Oh its very simple, almost all my Nitte classmates are doing much much better than me. My own younger brother is doing awesome in Australia and I am stuck in the gulf! My bro… God bless him has a great opportunity to go to the UK if his present employers just let him go.
I just want to put my foot on US, UK, Europe and Australian soil, just for the heck of it so I could say that I have been there done that…. That would soothe my nerves I am sure. At lease I hope it does.
So I have added another few wishes to my monstrously huge list. Set foot on US, UK, Aussie and European soil. Go on a visit visa, do something u didiot :D
After all this… Japan , China, Thailand… South America… my mouth is watering ya AMIGO!!!!
Yehahahaha, I feel better dreaming now…. Let the dreams continue……
Aaah Imti’s free… will take the dug out key’s and rush off…. See yaaa
Well, my adorable hasn’t mailed/messaged me since the spat, neither hav I coz of social anxiety or ego… but more due to the anxiety. I feel sad about it, but as adorable said…. “all relationships have an expiry date”, I guess its time to move on.
I have no confidence in doing my job at all, I think the company would be better off kicking me out of this project. They could find someone more worthy of doing this job. I am totally wasting everyone’s time over here. Neither am I trying to learn anything, nor I am doing any work. I am just passing the days. I feel so guilty and humiliated… coz of the phobia of course. Wat am I ever gonna do in my life?
Shaadi se bhi dar laghta hai re, biwi kya sochegi, kaise choot ke dhakkan se shaadi kiya hai maine, I just wish I get a top class psychiatrist as a wife. But do dreams ever come true dost?
Anyways, I am waiting for Imti’s boss to stop his meeting so I can get his room key from him. I will have a look in Al Swiss’s painting shop n then I will go to the dug out. In the afternoon I will go to GPRS and check out the remaining structure and add it to my report.
Adorable is so young and so alive, I don’t think I can match her at any positive level. I feel really worthless. May be the spat was good for her so she could get rid of a good for nothing like me.
I only have this job coz of luck, other wise I wud easily be jobless at home in dreamy land.
**************************************************************************************************************
And I just cannot give up cigs, they don’t do anything for me, I wonder y I even smoke, but I am just tryin to justify a reason not to speak to adorable. I don’t want myself in her life, I am poison, and she is life. I am not going anywhere near her, may she have a great life.
I do feel like communicatin with her , then I think of the cigs and then I stop trying…. So basically it’s a circle…. I smoke so that I cant communicate with her, and I cant communicate with her coz I am smoking. I am really a confused idiot.
***************************************************************************************************************
I am wondering… shall I impose my self on the Swiss and make them speed up the job, or should I as usual just… let it be. I need these guys to pick up speed so that I can relax and my job out here lasts longer, but… I don’t know…. The phobia is preventing me from doing anything….
Will someone please change my brain software and delete the malicious virus called social phobia from my mind? I cannot live like this.
I am 29, I have survived till here, I should be happy that I am alive, but I aint.
Oh its very simple, almost all my Nitte classmates are doing much much better than me. My own younger brother is doing awesome in Australia and I am stuck in the gulf! My bro… God bless him has a great opportunity to go to the UK if his present employers just let him go.
I just want to put my foot on US, UK, Europe and Australian soil, just for the heck of it so I could say that I have been there done that…. That would soothe my nerves I am sure. At lease I hope it does.
So I have added another few wishes to my monstrously huge list. Set foot on US, UK, Aussie and European soil. Go on a visit visa, do something u didiot :D
After all this… Japan , China, Thailand… South America… my mouth is watering ya AMIGO!!!!
Yehahahaha, I feel better dreaming now…. Let the dreams continue……
Aaah Imti’s free… will take the dug out key’s and rush off…. See yaaa
Its Mumbai Indians vs Bangalore Royals today – 03.05.2009
Mumbai are on 7 points from 6 games and I really want them to win today.
What I wish to happen? Here goes.
Mumbai wins the toss, elect to bat. Sachin and Sanath put up a destructive opening partnership of 100+ runs with both scoring fifties and Mumbai should score around 180.
Then Bangalore should be blown away by the trio of Malinga, Zaheer and harbhajan.
I know I know, this is all too convenient.
I have a gut feeling Sach n jay will both fire, but I also have a feeling that Kumble is going to do something. Wel will see of course.
But we first have Kolkata ( the bottom feeders) vs the Punjab Kings.
Even though Kolkata look the hot favorites to LOSE from any position they find themselves in the match, I just hopethey reverse their fortunes and come up as the winner. For, that will favor Mumbai very much. Another convenient match eh Roshan?
Lets see what happens today.
Predictions:
Match 2 :Mumbai win toss – bat and WIN easily : m.o.m -> Sachin Tendulkar.
Match 1: Kolkata win toss – bat – win a close close game.
What I wish to happen? Here goes.
Mumbai wins the toss, elect to bat. Sachin and Sanath put up a destructive opening partnership of 100+ runs with both scoring fifties and Mumbai should score around 180.
Then Bangalore should be blown away by the trio of Malinga, Zaheer and harbhajan.
I know I know, this is all too convenient.
I have a gut feeling Sach n jay will both fire, but I also have a feeling that Kumble is going to do something. Wel will see of course.
But we first have Kolkata ( the bottom feeders) vs the Punjab Kings.
Even though Kolkata look the hot favorites to LOSE from any position they find themselves in the match, I just hopethey reverse their fortunes and come up as the winner. For, that will favor Mumbai very much. Another convenient match eh Roshan?
Lets see what happens today.
Predictions:
Match 2 :Mumbai win toss – bat and WIN easily : m.o.m -> Sachin Tendulkar.
Match 1: Kolkata win toss – bat – win a close close game.
No topic – 03.05.2009
Weird thing happened yesterday. I was having a spat with one of my friends over smoking. I had basically given up smoking on the 27th of Feb. But to tell you the truth I used to smoke one every Thursday night, then it became one on Thursday and one on Friday…. Then it finally entered the one a night stage, then 2 -3 per day,
I was beginning to lose my fight over the cigarette; actually I had already lost and was going deeper and deeper in the black hole. But I really really wanted to quit. SO what do I do? I confessed this to my friend and promised to give up the next day after smoking on the present day.
Now my friend was angry/ disappointed on hearing this, the person suggested, no, ordered me to stop smoking there and then and not the next day. But since I know my own mind I tried to argue that I should smoke on that day and give up the next day and that would make me easier to leave cigarettes. Both of us argued, no one relented and the person, whom I really adore was not being too communicative, like silently saying that I wont talk to you unless you quit right now. In the silence I felt a different emotion; I got a feeling like I was being looked at with condescension, with disapproval, like ….. “you have betrayed my trust” kind of feeling.
I tried to ask for forgiveness for an hour but the person did not relent. Then I abruptly logged out and have not spoken to the person since.
That was yesterday.
I haven’t smoked today..
But I am avoiding this person. I don’t know why. I feel…… stupid and ridiculous. I don’t really understand why….. but I feel this great need to avoid this person, who has been my best friend for the last 3 months. I feel like I have lost my respect, lost my self esteem, what little I had left of anyways.
I think my social anxiety is on over drive.
I think I will just wait and watch till this feeling passes over. If it doesn’t I would really lose someone I adore. If it does and our spat is resolved, our friendship would continue.
But whenever I see a cigarette in my life I will think of her, because the cigarette brought out my social phobia in between our friendship.
I just hope I never ever smoke a cigarette in my life again.
I was beginning to lose my fight over the cigarette; actually I had already lost and was going deeper and deeper in the black hole. But I really really wanted to quit. SO what do I do? I confessed this to my friend and promised to give up the next day after smoking on the present day.
Now my friend was angry/ disappointed on hearing this, the person suggested, no, ordered me to stop smoking there and then and not the next day. But since I know my own mind I tried to argue that I should smoke on that day and give up the next day and that would make me easier to leave cigarettes. Both of us argued, no one relented and the person, whom I really adore was not being too communicative, like silently saying that I wont talk to you unless you quit right now. In the silence I felt a different emotion; I got a feeling like I was being looked at with condescension, with disapproval, like ….. “you have betrayed my trust” kind of feeling.
I tried to ask for forgiveness for an hour but the person did not relent. Then I abruptly logged out and have not spoken to the person since.
That was yesterday.
I haven’t smoked today..
But I am avoiding this person. I don’t know why. I feel…… stupid and ridiculous. I don’t really understand why….. but I feel this great need to avoid this person, who has been my best friend for the last 3 months. I feel like I have lost my respect, lost my self esteem, what little I had left of anyways.
I think my social anxiety is on over drive.
I think I will just wait and watch till this feeling passes over. If it doesn’t I would really lose someone I adore. If it does and our spat is resolved, our friendship would continue.
But whenever I see a cigarette in my life I will think of her, because the cigarette brought out my social phobia in between our friendship.
I just hope I never ever smoke a cigarette in my life again.
My Social Phobia
I am not a good writer and I wont fool myself that I can ever be one. I used to be so quick once upon a time in making stories. You wouldn’t call them stories, they were basically lightning fast pj’s, cracked one after the other. Well I have totally lost the touch, the form as you would say in cricket, I am out of form.
I have found out two weeks ago that I have a phobia, it’s a relatively lesser know phobia, or anxiety. A psychologist called it – Social Phobia.
He has given a perfect description of the phobia and it totally defines what I feel every minute, every day of my life.
Imagine this, there is a person you want to meet, and you get a fantastic chance to meet the person, the person wants to meet you, but your inner fears just overwhelm you into avoiding the meeting. I mean just imagine the frustration. You miss the experience, the romance, the wonderful feeling that you would have got on meeting the person, the potential friendship, the lovely moments which you would treasure all your life. You don’t experience any of them because of your phobia. You cannot go to parties, even if you go you hide in a corner of a room, preferably near the food stall, instead of being the center of attraction, which you wish to be. You know you can do it, its all so easy, but this fear inside you just cripples all your dreams.
Now a lay man may think that practice would make it go away, but my friends its not so, not at all so. I used to speak in public when I was in the 8th, 9th and 10th….. but the fear never ever went….. my knees shook always.
If I were to break down my fears it would all amount to this…. Fear of appearing stupid. Its basically insecurity. That’s all. I have an irrational notion that people are always looking and judging me, I know its not true, but I just cannot help getting that feeling…. I wonder if the words coming out of my mouth are understandable, is my voice weak, am I appearing funny, Its horrible. It an horrible phobia to have where your mind is bombarded with irrational thought every minute, every hour, every day of your life.
Well I was diagnosed with High blood pressure at the age of 21. This was when I got my first job and had to take doctor’s health certificate in order to join the company. I was shocked, my parents were shocked, and every one was shocked. I had to undergo a battery of test to find out the cause, but… nothing. The cause was a mystery, until now!!! I now know that my high BP is due to social phobia.
Now the basic question is how to fight this phobia. How to combat this fear? I haven’t found any way to do this so far, I just wish I can
(to be continued another time)
I have found out two weeks ago that I have a phobia, it’s a relatively lesser know phobia, or anxiety. A psychologist called it – Social Phobia.
He has given a perfect description of the phobia and it totally defines what I feel every minute, every day of my life.
Imagine this, there is a person you want to meet, and you get a fantastic chance to meet the person, the person wants to meet you, but your inner fears just overwhelm you into avoiding the meeting. I mean just imagine the frustration. You miss the experience, the romance, the wonderful feeling that you would have got on meeting the person, the potential friendship, the lovely moments which you would treasure all your life. You don’t experience any of them because of your phobia. You cannot go to parties, even if you go you hide in a corner of a room, preferably near the food stall, instead of being the center of attraction, which you wish to be. You know you can do it, its all so easy, but this fear inside you just cripples all your dreams.
Now a lay man may think that practice would make it go away, but my friends its not so, not at all so. I used to speak in public when I was in the 8th, 9th and 10th….. but the fear never ever went….. my knees shook always.
If I were to break down my fears it would all amount to this…. Fear of appearing stupid. Its basically insecurity. That’s all. I have an irrational notion that people are always looking and judging me, I know its not true, but I just cannot help getting that feeling…. I wonder if the words coming out of my mouth are understandable, is my voice weak, am I appearing funny, Its horrible. It an horrible phobia to have where your mind is bombarded with irrational thought every minute, every hour, every day of your life.
Well I was diagnosed with High blood pressure at the age of 21. This was when I got my first job and had to take doctor’s health certificate in order to join the company. I was shocked, my parents were shocked, and every one was shocked. I had to undergo a battery of test to find out the cause, but… nothing. The cause was a mystery, until now!!! I now know that my high BP is due to social phobia.
Now the basic question is how to fight this phobia. How to combat this fear? I haven’t found any way to do this so far, I just wish I can
(to be continued another time)
Why I love the IPL
IPL stands for the Indian Premier League cricket tournament. The yearly tournament featuring teams from eight cities namely
IPL wouldn’t have been started if it weren’t for the ICL, at least that’s what I think. Kapil Dev and his cronies came up of this idea to start a tournament similar to the English Premier league which is held in England every year which has a massive fan following all over the globe. But since this tournament wasn’t going to earn our “beloved” BCCI any money, the tournament was banned.
Then the “brilliant” Mr. Lalit Modi comes up with his idea of the IPL basically to counter the ICL. Unfortunatley for the ICL, the IPL has turned into a major blockbuster, atleast in
Any way I am not here to debate anything for nor against the IPL. I just want to analyze how I feel about the IPL.
Since I can remember, I have always been a sports fanatic, any sports for that matter. I always loved sports competitions, playing as well as watching. Sports are in my blood!
The best thing about the IPL is to watch the combinations within each team. Since each team has 4 foreign players, you get to watch a combination of Indians and the rest of the world within each team. Without the IPL you wouldn’t see Adam Glchrist and Herscelle Gibbs open the batting together, not Chris Gayle and Brendon Mccullum, and my dream opening pair… Sachin Tendulkar and Sanath jayasuriya. How about Zaheer Khan and Lasith Malinga opening the bowling together?
How about the incredible Shane Warne, an Australian, supporting and showing confidence in an unknown left arm 18 year old Indian bowler kamran Khan and making his the main strike bowler of his team. How about MS Dhne captaining Chennai team which includes the incredible Mathew Hayden and FLintoff.
The combinations and permutations of every team makes you watch with intense anticipation.
How about countrymen who stand shoulder to shoulder for their countries having to face each other? Irfan Pathan slamming his brother for a six, and Yusuf replying in kind with two boundaries off Irfan. Flintoff bowling to Kevin Peterson, Muralitharan bowling to Jayasuriya, Kumble bowling to Sachin. All awesomely anticipated encounters.
To top it all off the games just last for about 3 and a half hours. As good as watching along Hindi movie.
Fantastic isn’t it.?
Actually folks I was planning to put down something else here, some sad thoughts , but strangely mind mind just refused to be drawn towards the sadness in my life. My mind wants just to think about the IPL. Seriously since the IPL began I haven’t had the time to think of all my life’s problems. The only things my brain focuses on right now is how will Mumbai fare against Kolkata, or when will jayasuriya and Sachin both fire together. My mind doesn’t want to go into my sadnees, my black hole at all.
Nice isn’t it.. That’s why I love the IPL….. Sadness banished….. happiness revisited. SO folks , as long as the IPL is on, depression is gone…….. IPL RULEZZZZZZZZ
(((I know I know, another disconnected blog entry ----- its my brain u see…. :D ))))
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