05th May

Well! I predicted the toss correctly, but the results were exact opposites, Mumbai lost easily, Sachin flopped. And Kolkata lost the match in the last ball.

Well, my adorable hasn’t mailed/messaged me since the spat, neither hav I coz of social anxiety or ego… but more due to the anxiety. I feel sad about it, but as adorable said…. “all relationships have an expiry date”, I guess its time to move on.

I have no confidence in doing my job at all, I think the company would be better off kicking me out of this project. They could find someone more worthy of doing this job. I am totally wasting everyone’s time over here. Neither am I trying to learn anything, nor I am doing any work. I am just passing the days. I feel so guilty and humiliated… coz of the phobia of course. Wat am I ever gonna do in my life?

Shaadi se bhi dar laghta hai re, biwi kya sochegi, kaise choot ke dhakkan se shaadi kiya hai maine, I just wish I get a top class psychiatrist as a wife. But do dreams ever come true dost?

Anyways, I am waiting for Imti’s boss to stop his meeting so I can get his room key from him. I will have a look in Al Swiss’s painting shop n then I will go to the dug out. In the afternoon I will go to GPRS and check out the remaining structure and add it to my report.

Adorable is so young and so alive, I don’t think I can match her at any positive level. I feel really worthless. May be the spat was good for her so she could get rid of a good for nothing like me.

I only have this job coz of luck, other wise I wud easily be jobless at home in dreamy land.

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And I just cannot give up cigs, they don’t do anything for me, I wonder y I even smoke, but I am just tryin to justify a reason not to speak to adorable. I don’t want myself in her life, I am poison, and she is life. I am not going anywhere near her, may she have a great life.

I do feel like communicatin with her , then I think of the cigs and then I stop trying…. So basically it’s a circle…. I smoke so that I cant communicate with her, and I cant communicate with her coz I am smoking. I am really a confused idiot.

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I am wondering… shall I impose my self on the Swiss and make them speed up the job, or should I as usual just… let it be. I need these guys to pick up speed so that I can relax and my job out here lasts longer, but… I don’t know…. The phobia is preventing me from doing anything….
Will someone please change my brain software and delete the malicious virus called social phobia from my mind? I cannot live like this.

I am 29, I have survived till here, I should be happy that I am alive, but I aint.

Oh its very simple, almost all my Nitte classmates are doing much much better than me. My own younger brother is doing awesome in Australia and I am stuck in the gulf! My bro… God bless him has a great opportunity to go to the UK if his present employers just let him go.

I just want to put my foot on US, UK, Europe and Australian soil, just for the heck of it so I could say that I have been there done that…. That would soothe my nerves I am sure. At lease I hope it does.

So I have added another few wishes to my monstrously huge list. Set foot on US, UK, Aussie and European soil. Go on a visit visa, do something u didiot :D

After all this… Japan , China, Thailand… South America… my mouth is watering ya AMIGO!!!!

Yehahahaha, I feel better dreaming now…. Let the dreams continue……

Aaah Imti’s free… will take the dug out key’s and rush off…. See yaaa